Saturday, 6 April 2013

Accepting acceptance

I'm at the beach this weekend for my Grandmother's 90th birthday. I went for a walk yesterday and as I neared the end of it, I suddenly felt Peanut was with me, and he was a boy. I've never felt that before but I had an overwhelming sense he was with me. I then heard a little voice say to me "Don't worry Mum. Everything's going to be ok." This was the sunset in that moment and there was something quite heavenly about it.

It was an interesting time for Peanut to turn up. He must have known I needed him. I've had a tough week this week. I've been grappling with the concept of reaching acceptance about the miscarriage. I'm glad to finally have reached acceptance but I'm struggling with accepting I'm in acceptance. It's hard to explain but I guess I've become use to carrying the miscarriage baggage around with me for the past 6 months. Now I have to get use to leaving it behind.
In addition, I saw my niece yesterday and her 4 month old daughter for the first time. She is one of the most devine babies I've ever seen. She was happy, content, giggly and just beautiful. I felt so happy for my niece as she'd had 4 miscarriages to bring this little one into the world. However, I felt an enormous sense of loss for myself and my husband. At one stage while I was holding her, my husband gave me a gentle pat on my leg. I knew he was saying "It's ok baby. We'll have one someday too." I couldn't look at him in that moment.
And as if this week hadn't been emotional enough, I found out 3 friends are pregnant. One is 5 weeks, one is 12 and the other is 21. All at various stages of their pregnancy but it was hearing about the 3rd this morning that pushed me over the edge. I had been doing so well but suddenly, I felt so inadequate. Suddenly, all these women around me were not only able to fall pregnant, but keep their babies. I can't achieve either. Today, accepting acceptance is again a challenge. Today, I'm thrown right back into anger, life isn't fair and just once I'd like life to be easy.
My aunt asked me how I was going last night as she thought I was doing ivf. I explained to her I was on clomid and trying to figure out what kept creating the cramps. She told me of her experience when she had been trying for 6 months to fall pregnant. Her doctor told her to take some time off, have some wine and stop thinking about it. Sure enough, she fell pregnant. That was 29 years ago when she was 35.
I so wanted to come away this weekend and have a great time. It's a chance to catch up with family I haven't seen in a few years and celebrate. But today I'm flat. Our accommodation is disappointing. Our buffet breakfast was disappointing. My life today is disappointing. Of course my husband's view to all of this is "if you feel inadequate it just means we should be having more sex." Always the optimist my husband!
I didn't want to feel like this today. I wanted to stay safe and warm in Peanut's presence like I was yesterday. As my fertile window approaches, I wanted to head into it feeling happy and excited like I felt a few days ago. I know it's there somewhere. Somewhere just under the surface of disappointment it's lurking. Here's hoping it can return in time to bouy me for the start of blood tests on Monday.

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