Finding a purpose 6 months post miscarriage

There is so much emotional pain in my the world right now. Some is my own but sadly some friends are experiencing it too. One friend sadly lost her baby through an early miscarriage which was heartbreaking. My other friend lost her father-in-law 6 weeks ago and has only just spoken about it today. Suddenly, in the space of 3 days, I’m finding all of my experience over the past 6 months is now being called on to support my friends. Given today is 6 months since the miscarriage, I’m calling on it to support me too.

When I got the call from my friend on Saturday night saying she’d lost the baby, I was thrown back into my own experience in an instant. It was something I had hoped and prayed she would never have to suffer and was devastated that my worse fears for her had come true. It turns out that loosing my own baby turned out to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I could support her through her pain, and a curse because I knew her pain all too well.

I spoke to her before I walked into my Grandmother’s 90^th birthday party. I wish I had of known the events that were going to unfold but hindsight is a beautiful thing. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck. I had been all day. Drinking wine was probably not a good idea but I didn’t realise that. As I sat next to my Grandmother, I became overwhelmed with our family togetherness, our mutual love for her and the fact she was there for me when I lost the baby, having had two stillborn babies herself. I was planning on mentioning that in my speech but I knew I would choke on the words so left it out.

The speech was fine and I got through it in one piece but a few hours later the constancy of having my wine glass filled took over. I barely remember this but the wine and emotion overtook me and I decided to get up and say something else. I don’t know what I said but I remember crying in front of everyone and no doubt made a total fool of myself. Needless to say I’ve spent the past few days beating myself up for my behaviour. But, I realise that my behaviour was just masking the immense emotional pain I was in. Despite that, I’ll still have to apologise to my Grandmother for any embarrassment I caused her. Although she apparently had a fantastic time and wants to do it all again this weekend! Me on the other hand is now an official alcohol free zone!

My other friend is experiencing enormous grief about her father-in-law and being able to help her partner. It’s a very difficult thing to go through and I was able to help her understand the grieving process and help explain why some people behaved they way they did. We only caught up for an hour over lunch but she had a massive outpouring of emotion which I hope was the start of her healing process.

And me – well yes, 6 months today. The last few days have shown me how far I’ve come in that time. I don’t think I would have been able to have these conversations even 2 months ago. But I realise how much I have learnt and processed and how I can use that to help others. It’s also shown me how much people don’t understand about miscarriage.

When I told my friend today that the past 6 months had been the worse of my life, she looked at me in shock. When I talked about my grieving process, she asked “You mean grieving about the baby?” She really had no comprehension of the difficulties I had gone through. Even my friend who lost her baby said she didn’t understand why I suffered the loss so deeply when I lost the baby so early. She gets it now though but I wish she didn't. It would be nice if she got it without having to had experience it but that’s what I’ve learned – people really have no level of comprehension unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

I was the same when my friends experienced miscarriage. I was there for them and listened to them when they spoke about it but there was always a part of me that just didn’t get it. How can you get something you’ve never learned about? How can you get something you feel no affinity to? You can’t, and I realised you can’t expect people to.

I know I still have a long journey ahead of me. While I’ve reached acceptance about the miscarriage, I’m quite sure the next few weeks will bring up a whole lot of unresolved issues so I’m preparing to deal with that. In three weeks time I would have been starting maternity leave. In six weeks time it will be Peanut’s due date. At some time, there will be another pregnancy. That’s the thing about experiencing something so painful, you need to accept the healing process will never stop because the triggers and memories will never stop.  

On the bright side, it means I am better equipped to help others. I can take the support and strength others gave me and pay it forward to someone else in need. I can lend a kind word, understanding, a different perspective or an insight when someone most needs it. It’s ironic that because of my immense pain, I now have the power to ease someone else’s. Maybe that’s why I lost Peanut. Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s my purpose. In the absence of anything else to explain why I should have suffered so much pain, I’ll take it! It must be right. I’m pretty sure my purpose is not making drunken speeches at 90^th birthday parties!  

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