So that time has been thrust upon me when my friends are now
falling pregnant. Up until now, new pregnancies were only in my peripheral
circle of acquaintances – not in my immediate circle. I know this is always
hard for women who have lost their babies and to be honest, I feel a mix of
emotions about it. But overall, what it reveals to me most is I just want to be
over the “miscarriage mindset” already!
I am absolutely over the moon for my friend. It is the
realisation of her greatest dream and I’m so happy to see the universe has
bought her that. I must admit though my excitement is tinged with a little fear
because I just hope and pray she doesn’t have to go through what I did. But me
being concerned won’t change any outcomes so all I can do is be there and
support her through whatever happens. I’m also angry that my experience has
tainted my ability to whole heartedly share her experience with her. But lets
be honest, the reason any woman who’s lost a baby has a reaction when someone
else is having a baby is just jealousy. “I was meant to have a baby this year
and I’m not, but you are” – it’s simple stuff. It’s just another toxin
miscarriage leaves in your system.
It does make me realise I’m bored with the miscarriage now.
It feels like it’s been this all consuming burden I’ve been carrying around
with me for 6 months and it’s getting too heavy to keep lugging around. At
times I wonder if I’ve made too big a deal about it, let my emotions run away
with me, or played the victim more than I should. I’m not beating up on myself
because I know I had to deal with it in the best way I could, but I am starting
to feel the repercussions of hauling this cumbersome baggage around on my
journey.
If I put my philosophers hat on, then I can see that
reaching this stage is what they mean when they say time heals all wounds.
While my wound is not totally healed, it’s the time that is important. I needed
that time to process, grieve, recover, regroup, toughen up, and survive. I
needed to unlock all the pain I’d locked away when it happened and be brave enough
to face them head on. I’ve done that now.
Part of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and shout
Halleluiah, I’m healed! Part of me is sad about the fact I’ve healed. But the
beauty of healing is learning and I’ve learnt the last 6 months of trying to
fall pregnant was a waste of time. It was never going to happen while I was in
such a state, so for the first time, I feel like I’m ready to take another
swing at it.
I have no doubt that there is more healing and learning to
be done. I have faith in myself that I’ll do that. So it’s time to finally put
this piece of baggage away. It doesn’t suit me anymore. I need something more
light weight and pretty to carry around with me! Did I mention I’ve started
making handbags? I’ll write about that tomorrow!
Image by John Kasawa
Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net
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