Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Looking for a new bag

So that time has been thrust upon me when my friends are now falling pregnant. Up until now, new pregnancies were only in my peripheral circle of acquaintances – not in my immediate circle. I know this is always hard for women who have lost their babies and to be honest, I feel a mix of emotions about it. But overall, what it reveals to me most is I just want to be over the “miscarriage mindset” already!

I am absolutely over the moon for my friend. It is the realisation of her greatest dream and I’m so happy to see the universe has bought her that. I must admit though my excitement is tinged with a little fear because I just hope and pray she doesn’t have to go through what I did. But me being concerned won’t change any outcomes so all I can do is be there and support her through whatever happens. I’m also angry that my experience has tainted my ability to whole heartedly share her experience with her. But lets be honest, the reason any woman who’s lost a baby has a reaction when someone else is having a baby is just jealousy. “I was meant to have a baby this year and I’m not, but you are” – it’s simple stuff. It’s just another toxin miscarriage leaves in your system.

It does make me realise I’m bored with the miscarriage now. It feels like it’s been this all consuming burden I’ve been carrying around with me for 6 months and it’s getting too heavy to keep lugging around. At times I wonder if I’ve made too big a deal about it, let my emotions run away with me, or played the victim more than I should. I’m not beating up on myself because I know I had to deal with it in the best way I could, but I am starting to feel the repercussions of hauling this cumbersome baggage around on my journey.

If I put my philosophers hat on, then I can see that reaching this stage is what they mean when they say time heals all wounds. While my wound is not totally healed, it’s the time that is important. I needed that time to process, grieve, recover, regroup, toughen up, and survive. I needed to unlock all the pain I’d locked away when it happened and be brave enough to face them head on. I’ve done that now.  

Part of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and shout Halleluiah, I’m healed! Part of me is sad about the fact I’ve healed. But the beauty of healing is learning and I’ve learnt the last 6 months of trying to fall pregnant was a waste of time. It was never going to happen while I was in such a state, so for the first time, I feel like I’m ready to take another swing at it.

I have no doubt that there is more healing and learning to be done. I have faith in myself that I’ll do that. So it’s time to finally put this piece of baggage away. It doesn’t suit me anymore. I need something more light weight and pretty to carry around with me! Did I mention I’ve started making handbags? I’ll write about that tomorrow!

Image by John Kasawa
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