It only takes a spark

For the last few days, I’ve been seeing Sally Obermeder, a television reporter, doing the circuit promoting her book. I thought it was just another entertainment reporter plugging a tell all book. I was wrong. Sally was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38 years old, the day before she gave birth to her daughter. In the interview I saw with her this morning, she mentioned her battle with infertility and how she regretted not seeking help earlier. It really struck a chord with me because not only am I struggling with infertility, but I’ll be 38 in 9 weeks.

Sally’s story is enormously touching.  For someone so young to go through so much is so sad. I was so touched when she spoke about using her daughter for her reason to live. She was her reason to keep getting up and to keep fighting. In the end, that’s all we need, just one reason.

Sally said “I imagined a tiny spark in me – it doesn’t matter if not every single part of your body is saying “I want more,” but you just have to fan the one tiny bit that is, so you can keep going. Then you say, “Ok, more.” I think I needed to hear that today. Tomorrow I start my third round of clomid and had to go out today to buy it, as well as the bacterial cream. As I look at my dining room table, and see all the pills I am now taking, I question if I can keep going.

I know it’s still so early, and I know I haven’t really done anything drastic at this point, but sometimes, it just seems so hard. Sometimes, I run out of the steam, energy and desire to keep going. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel because it just shouldn’t have to be this hard. Sometimes, it just seems easier to give up, then it does to keep going. Sometimes, it just seems to easier to admit defeat.

To be honest, my only reason to keep going is my desire to have a child. I guess desire can be a pretty strong motivator. But more than that, it is the tiny little voice inside me that says “Come on, you can do it. You just never know when the miracle is going to happen. Don’t give up now.” Sometimes that voice is just a whisper but I guess it is my tiny spark that I need to fan. And I’ll keep fanning it because you can’t start a fire without a spark!     

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