Monday, 22 April 2013

Rising from the ashes

When your life shatters, you can choose how to rebuild it. It’s a pretty powerful choice, and sometimes, unconsciously, you will make decisions that will change the course of your life.  A bit like the Phoenix, you can attain new life by arising from the ashes of your former self.  

When something happens that shatters you, and your entire life, there’s a moment when you feel like you’re hovering above the situation - like being in a helicopter surveying the damage. You see all the debris and tiny pieces strewn out below you and you feel overwhelmed by the site. You know you need to start rebuilding but you have no idea where to start. After a while, you just start by picking up one piece.

Slowly the pieces start to take shape and you create something that resembles your previous life, but then you stop. You reach a stage where you can see the remaining pieces but you’re not sure what the best fit is. You need to give them particular consideration because you know you’re close to finishing, and you want to make sure you’ve got it right.

Up until now, the rebuilding process has been simple. You’ve just been recreating the exact same thing that stood there before. But now, you suddenly wonder if you should make some improvements. You start to question how you could strengthen it to withstand the next storm? How can you improve the structure so it meets your needs better? What weaknesses can you turn into strengths? What parts did you think you need, but now realise you don’t?

That’s where I am right now. Slowly making my way out of the ashes but stumbling at the last block. Well, not stumbling, more like taking a pit stop before the grand reveal. But I’m questioning the choices I want to make in putting the last pieces of my puzzle together.

I’m questioning my behaviour. Do I need to get upset whenever I see a pregnant woman, find out a friend is pregnant, or hear pregnant women talking, or can I be ok with that, firm in the knowledge my time is coming? Do I need to feel jealous of everyone else who is pregnant, or can I feel grateful I have so many options in front of me? Do I need to obsess over my due date approaching or can I celebrate the day for the unique opportunity I was given to be Peanut’s Mum? Do I pick up the piece of me that has spent the past 6 months running from these situations, or do I pick up the part of me that is ready to handle it?

I’m questioning my friends. Do I need those people who showed no empathy or understanding for my situation or can I let them go, safe in the knowledge I have many others who care? Do I hang onto the people that never once called, never asked how I was and never offered me a hug because I’m strong enough to realise I don’t need those people in my life anymore?

I’m questioning my future. Do I carry this pain around with me, weighed down by the heaviness of it, or do I check it in? Do I carry the angriness and pain around with me or do I carry the joy and love?  Do I carry the sense of failure or do I carry the pride that comes with being a Mother?
Funnily enough, I’ve realised I’m ready to choose all the latter options. These are the choices that will help me withstand the next storm and improve my structure. These are the choices that will turn my weaknesses into strengths. These are the parts I no longer need. I’ve been redesigned to be a better version of myself. A stronger version of myself. And wow, suddenly, here I am, in my helicopter surveying the ashes I once came from, knowing I’ve risen above them. 

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