Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Loving what is

Sticky was 14 weeks on Sunday - the time goes so quickly! I looked down at her at one stage over the weekend and marvelled at how big she was and how much she had changed. But my marvelling bought sadness as the more I see her grow, the more I miss Babs.

For the new readers, Babs was Sticky's twin that I lost at 7 weeks. It's called vanishing twin syndrome where a twin doesn't make it and is absorbed by the body. At the time, I hoped Sticky would absorb all the best parts of Babs and I'm sure she did. But as I see Sticky grow and flourish, I do feel a hole where Babs should have been.

It's funny, I don't feel the same about loosing Peanut, maybe because I made peace with that and I know he wasn't meant to be here. I know Babs wasn't meant to be here either but it just feels different. Of course, everyone says to me life would be so crazy with twins and I know it would be. But that doesn't stop the sense of loss or pain I feel. 

My husband tells me he's just thankful for having Sticky and I am too. I can grieve over Babs and still be grateful for Sticky. Having her here doesn't make the pain any less and I'm not going to pretend it does. That's the thing about grief - it's not a rational process. Using rational thoughts to process it just doesn't work.

I'd be happy to talk about it more to other people but I don't. The likelihood of someone saying well, you've got one be happy with that is just too high, and then the likelihood of me wanting to punch that person in the face is also just too high. The correct response would be I'm really sorry to hear you're going through so much pain and I can understand how sad you must feel. Alas, not many people have the emotional intelligence for such a response and I think it's because we want to sweep pain under the carpet instead of acknowledging it.  So, the safest option is just to go back to the counsellor as I know there will be no punches thrown there! 

As I look at my giggly little munchkin, and see all the milestones she is achieving, I fall more and more in love with her everyday. I am so very blessed to have her and my husband and I adore my little family more than I can say. I love being a mother and I love watching her grow. I am constantly in awe of her and never expected to love being a mother so much. But, I can't deny there does feel like a little piece is missing. So, as I work on filling that hole,  I remind myself of how lucky I am, work towards being the best parent I can be and lavish all my kisses and hugs onto her. I'm pretty sure no kid ever ended up in therapy because they were hugged or kissed too much!

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