16 tips to cope with a miscarriage

It’s been 70 days since I had my miscarriage so I now consider myself a survivor. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, so if I could go back 70 days ago, and tell myself what I know now, maybe the process would have been a bit easier. Clearly, I can’t do that, so maybe I can make someone else’s process a bit easier.

Here’s what I know:

1 – Be patient. Your mind, body and spirit will need time to heal so give yourself that time. There’s no point getting frustrated as it only makes the process harder. Sit back, love yourself and trust it will all be ok.   

2 - Cry when you need to. Tears will come at random times in random places. Honour yourself by releasing your emotions when they arise as holding onto them just makes you feel worse.

3 – It’s ok to feel exhausted. Your body, energy, emotions and brain are completely drained because everything you do takes 10 times the normal amount of energy. Don’t get frustrated by it, your energy will return in time.

4 – Don’t hate yourself or your body. It’s natural to feel like you failed but you didn’t.  Your body did the best it could and it has gone through a dramatic change. Respect the fact it needs to heal and let it do that in its own time.  

5 – Ride the emotional roller-coaster. It will take time to go through the 7 stages of grief and you will move between them constantly. When the emotions become too overwhelming, stop, take a breath, identify which stage you’re in and tell yourself it’s ok to be exactly where you are. Remember, there is no timeline on grieving because there is no timeline on love.  

6 – Don’t be upset by those who can’t support you. You will have wonderful friends and family that will be there for you but others won’t be – for their own reasons. It will be disappointing and for some, your relationships won’t ever be the same, but focus on the ones who are there as they are the ones you will truly need.

7 – Don’t begrudge other pregnant women. It’s easy to feel jealous and angry when you see pregnant women, or those with newborns, and wonder why them and not me? There is no answer to that question so look at those women and be happy they have not had to experience what you have. There are far too many women in the world who have experienced this so be thankful others were spared and know your time will come.

8 – Don’t take it personally when people say you should move on or get over it. Others can’t possibly know where you are or how you feel because they haven’t experienced it. Let those words wash over you. Don’t pick them up and make them an issue. Just say to yourself, I am where I am and that’s ok.

9 – Deal with the pain. Running away from it, filling the void with food or alcohol, or trying to fall pregnant straight away to forget it won’t work. The only way to GET through it is to GO through it. You don’t want to take the pain and anxiety into your next pregnancy so take time out, regain your strength and ensure your mind is healed.

10 – Don’t forget your partner. Don’t take your anger and emotions out on them and apologise when you do. They haven’t experienced what you have and men especially can be easily forgotten about. They have lost a baby too and will deal with their emotions in their own way. Don’t be upset if it’s not the same way as you.

11 – Positivity can come from negativity. As painful as this is, good things will come from it. You will realise new things about yourself, your partner, your relationship and the impact you have on others. You have the power to make a difference in many people’s lives by sharing your story so make sure your experience is put to good use.

12 – Be grateful. You can choose to be a victim or a survivor. Be a survivor by focussing on all the fabulous things your have in your life and the great things that will continue to happen to you.

13 – Track your journey. Keeping track of your feelings will help you see how far you’ve come. Your mind will be cloudy so writing things down will help you remember thoughts, learnings and feelings. This will be important to help you see the progress you are making. 

14 – Don’t be afraid to get counselling. Having someone to speak to will help you unravel the range of emotions you will experience. Be it a counsellor or a friend who has experienced the same thing, find someone to just offer a listening ear.

15 – Relapses will happen. Even when you feel you are starting to move on, something will happen that will trigger the memory and the sadness of what you experienced. Remember,  it’s ok to feel the sadness and it doesn’t mean you’re going backwards, it just means you’re remembering.  The triggers will reduce in time but accept they will always be there.

16 – It’s ok to move on. Give yourself permission to move on. Don’t keep yourself stuck in grief.  It’s ok to be happy and get on with your life. It’s ok to smile, laugh and share fabulous times. That’s what you would have been doing with your baby so now, you can do it with your little angel sitting on your shoulder sharing it all with you.

If you need some more help with moving on from a miscarriage, check out some other posts that might help.