Surrender

I opened my desk draws today to find a Tupperware container full of crackers and another full of crystallised ginger – both leftovers from my pregnancy morning sickness. When I came back to work after the miscarriage, I took them off my shelf and stashed them in my draw so I didn’t have to see them. Today, I found them.

I’ve known they were there for the past 7 weeks but didn’t really acknowledge their existence. For some reason, I was ready to today. It’s funny that only last night I was wondering where my other Tupperware containers were – not realising they were holding a memory at work.

I pulled both containers out and looked at them. I thought it was ironic that the crackers were still fresh but the reason I had them was stale. I wondered if I should keep them or not but decided to throw it all out. I realised these were the last pieces of my pregnant life I had been sub-consciously holding onto.

It felt good to throw them out but I was sad too. I realised how much I miss being pregnant. I was happy to have the crackers and ginger as my saviours to the nausea. I was even happy to have the nausea as evidence the baby was growing. Now, I just miss the fact something was growing.

I think that’s one of the cruellest parts of a miscarriage, especially in the first few weeks. You only just start to get use to the idea that something is there and it’s taken away. By the time I had the miscarriage, I only knew about the pregnancy for 3 weeks but I was totally in love with my child the minute I saw the second line on the pregnancy test.

Deep down I know it’s a good thing to move on from this last piece of my previous life. Even if I fall pregnant again, my experience will be totally different because I’m totally different. Maybe crackers and ginger won’t help me. Maybe they’ll make me feel worse. We’ll see what happens when I get there. Either way, I know I need to surrender the past to move into the future so here’s hoping it’s now full steam ahead.