Thursday, 27 December 2012

Relieving the pressure

I'm not ashamed to say that my Christmas day meltdown was a "boo hoo poor me, I had a miscarriage," moment. They happen from time to time. As I've said before, sometimes it's one step forwards and two steps back because you wake up in the morning and just don't have the strength to be positive. 

It takes a lot of strength to be positive. You have to pay attention to what your inner voice is saying. You have to counter-act it with happy thoughts. You have to reach into the far parts of your brain to extract the happy thoughts. You have to convince yourself that you are happy. Sometimes, you’re just not, and that’s ok. I needed a “boo hoo” day and now I’ve had it, I’m ready to climb back up.

There are only 4 days left in this year and I’m determined to finish it on a high. It’s funny how when you make that decision, the Universe brings you things to help you on your way. First, I got a lovely text from a dear friend who’s also had a very difficult year. It said “Thank-you so very much for your support in what has been a challenging year. Your honesty, advice and encouragement has helped me enormously. I can’t express how grateful I am. In the days where I wanted to fall down in a heap and give up your words of support kept me going." All I could reply was “ditto”.

Her lovely words jolted me out of my melancholy. I remembered that she had also been through a horrendous experience and survived. I was enormously inspired by the bravery and courage she had shown and how far she had come. I was also touched to know I had been able to support her through it, as she had done for me. I guess we both learnt so much from our own experiences that it allowed us to share our insights with others.

Secondly, I got my periods. I know, it sounds weird, but I was so relieved to know that the constant confusion I had been in for the past few days had been resolved. Part of me was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant, but the majority of me was relieved. Mostly because I had been drinking like a fish the past few days, but also because it meant this was my first normal, non-medically induced cycle since the miscarriage. Finally, 11 weeks later, I felt like things were back to my new normal.

Deep down, I knew I wasn’t ready to be pregnant yet and it shocked me to realise I was ok with that. I wanted to use my precious two weeks of holidays to eat what I want, drink what I want and just make sure I’m really recovered. I also wanted to use it to work on the inner demons away from the stress of work, home and all the other chores of normal day life. I’m glad I’ve been given the chance to do all of that. I’m reading some books, writing some things down and trying to re-program my thought patterns. I’ve got two weeks before it will be time to try again and I hope I’m whole-heartedly ready by then. If not, I’ll wait until I am. It feels so wonderful to take the pressure off myself and just say “You’ll know when the time is right.” I truly believe I will!

Illustration by David Castillo Dominici
Courtesy of

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