Thursday, 20 December 2012

Keeping the faith

All month, I've been walking past this Angel that's been setup in the City. I think of Peanut everytime I walk past it. I think it's because when I was pregnant, I thought this Christmas would technically be Peanut's first. It made me excited that this time next year I would have a 7 month old who would have sat on Santas' lap and giggled as they played with the wrapping paper instead of their presents. 

Obviously Peanut won't be with us next year, but there's hope that another little one will be. So, I look at this Angel as a reminder of what was, but a sign of what will be. For me, it's a sign of faith. I know some will think this simplistic, but it's how I view it. I choose to have faith that there was a reason Peanut wasn't destined to walk this world. I choose to have faith that there is a reason my next little one is destined to be here. And I choose to have faith that there will be another little one. 

In some of the online forums I've been reading, many women experiencing pregnancy after a loss struggle with the anxiety and fear they have of it happening again. I have no doubt that I will be the same, but I'm trying my hardest to minimise the degree I experience. Really, anxiety and fear is all in your head so I'm trying to find the answer on how to reduce it when you're so scared of something horrible happening again. 

At the moment, all I have is this:
 - whatever happens is beyond my control
 - as a pregnant woman I will give up a range of things to ensure a healthy pregnancy so stress should be one of them
 - I have already been through the worse so I know I can survive
 - spending my last pregnancy in anxiety didn't stop the worse happening so I'll try positivity instead. 

I'll have to wait until I'm pregnant again to see if this works, and I'm glad I'll have this post to remind me of it when I start to waver. In the meantime, all I have to rely on is my unwavering faith that I am meant to be a Mother and I'll continue to do everything I can to make that dream happen. I will focus on the strength and determination I have demonstrated so many times in my life to make my dreams come true. In the end, I'm a pretty formidable person so the baby gods should be prepared for a fight!

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