Back in the saddle

Today we officially jumped back in the saddle. I figure that’s the most positive way to accept the fact we are back where we started from 4 months ago. I visited the obstetrician to check on where things are at. I had my period last week so am at day 7. I told him that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell when I was ovulating given I was still having cramps. He did an ultrasound and said I had two follicles that were maturing.

Now, if you’re like me, you’ll have no idea what that means. So, thanks to Dr. Google, I found out that in the week leading up to ovulation, you have about 5-7 follicles that start to mature to produce an egg. Prior to ovulation, only one or two of those follicles will come to full maturation and one, or both, can release an egg. So, it seems we’re on target to ovulate at my normal time.

Given recent events though, I have to go back to the obstetrician on Monday to get another scan to make sure I am ovulating, or if not, get a better idea of when I will be. Now, we have officially entered the scientific realm of the baby making process. Of course, when I feel pregnant last time, there was some science involved – in terms of monitoring when I was ovulating. But that didn’t require a long plastic probe, covered in a condom and lubricant being inserted into my vagina. Now  the vaginal probe is likely to become my new best friend!

I told my obstetrician about my vulvadynia today and he said “Well, that might make things difficult. But you didn’t seem to have any problems with the ultrasound probe.” I said, “I sucked it up.” He said “You’ll probably have to do a lot of that.” He went on to tell us that we’ll need to take a spoonful of cement and harden up. Basically, there will be parts of the process that will be unpleasant, painful and void of all enjoyment. He said “You’re better off realising there is no romance in the baby making process. The only times babies come easy is when people aren’t planning them.” Well, you can’t get any more matter of fact than that!

In that moment, I realised I needed to let go of the complaining and begrudging I felt. Everytime I feel annoyed at the pain, or the fact we are back here, or the time it takes, or the waiting, or that it just hasn’t happened yet, I inject a little more depression into my experience. It’s our choice to do all of this. We want a baby so we are prepared to do everything we can to make it happen. I’m not sure why I complain about it, given I’ve chosen it, but I do. Now, I look at it all as part of what I have to do to make my dream come true.

When you think of any dream you’ve had – mine were going to university, buying a house, finding a partner and organising a wedding – there were elements to each that were hard. There were times I complained when I had to step outside my comfort zone, suck up a bit of pain, sacrifice things and face stumbles. However, with patience, perseverance and determination, I achieved my dreams. I don’t see any reason why this should be any different. The only trick is reminding myself of this when the patience starts to wane.

In the meantime, I’m happy to be back in the saddle. Finally, after 2 long months, we are ready to give it another shot. Giddy up cow girl!