A bittersweet day

Today was a great day because I got to see Sticky again. She’s there in all her wriggling, heart pumping glory. However, it’s also a sad day because Baby B is not there. While I am enormously happy Sticky is there and perfect, my happiness is tainted with the reality I’ve had another miscarriage.

I had hoped beyond hope that Baby B would be there. I had prayed to every deity I could think of, and some I made up. But it wasn’t meant to be. Baby B just wasn’t strong enough to make it. And while I’m sad about that, I take comfort in the fact she is now with Peanut and the two of them are watching over Sticky. How lucky is Sticky to now have two guardian angels watching over her!

In today’s scan, the two sacs have now merged together. The doctor thinks they may have been identical, but given they were separate to begin with, I think it’s just the process of Sticky absorbing Baby B. While it’s a bit freaky to think of one twin absorbing the other, I like to think of it as Sticky receiving all the very best bits of Baby B. I like to think Sticky has inherited Baby B’s fight, strength, courage and determination to add to her own.

I do grieve for Baby B. I grieve for another baby that will never be. But, I celebrate Sticky. I was amazed at how much she had grown in two short weeks. Her heart has increased from 120 beats per minute to 182! We saw her arm and legs buds and she even did a little dance for us, moving about all over the place. It’s amazing to think this tiny thing inside of me is flailing about so much but I can’t feel it.

I am overjoyed to have one, healthy baby. And god knows, one is better than none. But I need to take some time to process this loss and find a place for it. It’s a strange concept to realise I’m a Mother of three children, but I’m enormously blessed too. There are many women who are Mothers to many more children than that, who don’t end up with one to cuddle. I’m on the journey to meet my baby to cuddle but I’m hoping it’s third baby lucky!

In other news, my bleed has gone so I’m relieved about that. I had been a little on edge waiting for the bleeding to start and I’m glad it’s not. Not to say it can’t, but it’s less likely now. And, I was very brave yesterday and decided to weigh myself. I was totally gob smacked to see I had lost .5 kilos. It’s not much but I was expecting to put on 3 or 4. So to be eating what I have been, and the severe drop in exercise, I’m ecstatic with that result. I know it will catch up with me eventually but I take the win for now!

Yesterday, I had a lovely birthday. I caught up with a friend for lunch and had a beautiful dinner with my husband. I will treasure that dinner because it was the last conversation we had about the potential of having two babies. It was the last time we got to feel excited about that prospect. For two weeks, I got to live the dream of twins and it was magical.

Good bye Baby B – watch your sister and help her to grow big and strong.  Thank you so much for being part of our lives. We will love you always!