Pregnancy does not erase the past

Today at work there was a morning tea for one of the girls who had her baby 4 weeks ago. I didn't want to go. Being pregnant does not diminish the pain I still feel about the fact I don’t have a 3 week old baby. But I didn’t know that until I saw the invitation for the morning tea.

The thought of a group of people standing around oohing and ahhing over a small baby sent shivers up my spine. I questioned whether I was ready to be involved in that. To see and hold a baby that would be about the same age as mine. I decided I wasn't. Not only has the bloating and gas set in, but the tsunami of emotions have too. I cry over a tv ad with puppies in it so I didn't trust myself seeing a baby. 

Thankfully, the Baby Gods sent me a blessing and I had to do a site tour while the morning tea was on. I missed the whole thing. I was so relieved. And even better, on the way back, I was so nauseous it was the first time I felt like I was actually going to be sick so it helped to reassure me that Sticky was growing strong and we'll have some good news at tomorrow's scan. 

I haven't thought about how pregnancy has impacted my emotional state too much. Now I do, I realise being pregnant has only made me think about Peanut more, not less. And I’m sure that will only increase as the pregnancy progresses and Sticky is born. I don’t think I would survive this pregnancy without Peanut. I talk to him several times a day, looking for reassurance and guidance. I count my lucky stars he is there watching over team Fisty and sometimes, I feel he is the only one I can talk to.

Knowing I was pregnant made facing Peanut’s due date a little easier, but it doesn’t erase my pain or memory. It doesn’t change the fact I lost a baby or the fact I’m terrified the same thing will happen again. Being pregnant does not magically make everything ok. It does not mean I no longer feel grief, pain and loss. Being pregnant just means I have another chance to have a child, and whatever happens, it means I am a Mother to at least two children.

Image by Stuart Miles

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