Friday, 7 June 2013

Fabulous Friday

Happy Fabulous Friday all! What makes today fabulous? – faith, bravery and letting go.

Faith – I’ve been doing a lot of processing after the events of yesterday. It was an emotional roller coaster of a day to say the least. And while I was enormously thankful for Sticky’s heart beating strong and fast, I couldn’t stop thinking about Baby B. I know there is only the smallest flicker of hope that Baby B is still there, but Sticky’s heart is only a microscopic flicker and it’s there. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I’m not ready to give up on Baby B.

When I lost Peanut I knew. I had this overwhelming sense he was gone. I could just feel it. I don’t have that now. Some might say I’m in denial and some might say I’m not ready to accept the truth. But, we don’t know the truth. The specialist could not say that Baby B was definitely gone. In fact he said there was a possibility there was something there. “Possibility” – that’s the word of the day. The possible remains possible until it’s impossible and, right now, Baby B is still possible.

Some have suggested a light hearted approach of one is better than none. I know that is true, and yes, I would be happy with one healthy baby. But it doesn’t work like that. If I have lost Baby B it will be devastating because it will be my 2nd miscarriage. The fact I have another baby won’t change that, the same way it won’t change the fact I lost Peanut. If I lose Sticky it means 3 miscarriages. There will be no light heartedness to be had if either, or heaven forbid both of those events happen.   

But, I choose not to fear the what ifs of those things happening. I choose to have faith that Baby B is still there. In 2 weeks I will know for sure. I will know if the possible is now impossible. Until then, I will keep the faith. Until then, I will practise my new mantra of don’t react until you have something to react to. And I’m not reacting to likelihood, or probability. That’s the same as reacting to what ifs. Nope, from now on I am only reacting to hard, cold facts and until then, we remain Team Fisty.

Bravery – After the scan yesterday, I was hit with fear. Fear that Baby B was gone and I had lost another baby. Fear the same thing would happen to Sticky. Fear that this pregnancy would go the same way as the last. The joy I felt at seeing the heartbeat was quickly replaced with this overwhelming fear. It was hard to shake off and I so desperately wanted to because I didn’t want to experience this pregnancy in that kind of debilitating mind set.

As I sat at the train station and waited for my husband, I noticed a 17 year old boy on his break from MacDonalds. He was quietly eating his meal when he suddenly looked up and saw this girl come up the escalator. As she walked past he asked what her name was. He told her he had seen her a few times and had wanted to talk to her but had always been working. He asked for her number, she gave it to him, and he told her he would text her later.

I sat there in awe. How amazing was this young man to be emotionally mature, and brave enough, to seize this moment without hesitation. The universe had put him in the right place at the right time. I was so enormously impressed and thought if this kid, with his pimply face and red lunchbox, had the balls to ask for this girl’s number, with no fear and no concern of what she thought of him, then what the hell was my problem?

This kid risked everything. What made it more impressive was she was in a group of about 5 girls who all could have turned on him in a myriad of 18 year old girl ways. But they didn’t. They were all too impressed. This kid risked rejection and public ridicule to follow his heart. In that moment I made a commitment to do the same.

Letting go – I realised the first step to fulfilling that commitment was letting go of my pre-conditioned negative thinking. I need to turn things around and focus on the positive. I need to trust that everything will happen the way it’s meant to. I need to have faith in Sticky, Baby B, me, my body and my ability to handle this.

I realised my greatest fear was that Baby B would be gone too soon. I knew there was a high chance of losing one of the babies, but if it was going to happen, I wanted it to happen much later in the pregnancy when the other was more established. I wanted them to be there for each other for as long as possible. The potential of losing one so quickly was not in my plan.

But, I realised I was putting all the responsibility onto the babies for their well being instead of me. I know I can’t change their genetic make up and I know if there is an issue that causes a miscarriage it’s no one’s fault. But I was asking them to fight and rely on each other and stop the other from going, instead of asking myself to fight, to rely on me and let go of my fear of either of them going.

Today, I took a page out of that kid’s book, seized the moment, and booked into an obstetrician. I made the decision to move forward with confidence, rather than keep myself stuck in fear. I had been thinking who to go with and I made an instant decision. When she said they will only confirm my place when I have missed 2 periods (8 weeks pregnant) I tried not to be scared. I realised they wouldn’t bother confirming anyone until the risk of miscarriage drops to 3%. Then I would see the obstetrician at 10 weeks.

When I looked at my diary, I realised I can confirm the pregnancy on the day of my 8 week scan – the day after my birthday. When the thought of what if I have that scan and none of the babies are there entered my mind, I pushed it out. I reminded myself that right now, everyone is ok, and again, I will not waste my energy responding  until I have something to respond to. 

For now, I am letting go of what ifs and embracing what I know. And what I know is there is a baby inside me whose heart is beating at 120 beats per minute and there is another sack inside of me that could potentially hold another baby whose heart beat is just a little further behind. Until I know anything different, that’s what I’m holding onto.  

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