Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Saying goodbye to the old me

I am deliriously happy that I have morning sickness and I haven’t once complained about it. I would certainly rather have it than not. But, I will admit, between the nausea and the symptoms, it is starting to take its toll.

This morning, my husband kissed me and I gagged. It does not vote well for him getting any loving any time soon – maybe a handshake if he’s lucky! I got on the train and gagged at the smell of someone’s perfume. I ordered a filo and salad for lunch and had to pick out the miniscule pieces of what I think was fetta cheese. My stabbing cramps are back and I’ve had a dull headache at the back of my head all day.

These persistent symptoms are starting to take their toll. It has all come on with a bang this week and for the first 2 days, I was coping easily because I was so happy. That happy glow is slowly being chipped away. I am thankful that I’m not yet throwing up, or suffering anything too dramatic, but I am being worn down by the relentlessness of it all.

It’s hard enough to find the energy to come to work when you’re pregnant, let alone finding the energy to respond to so much happening in your body.  I had to attend a conference this morning and after walking back, the moment I entered the office I was hit with urgent work and told I might need to stay back. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but when you’re nearing the point of having to jam toothpicks into your eye balls just to keep them open, it’s pretty traumatic. Luckily my manager told me to go home whenever I needed to.

The interesting thing I’ve noticed is how all of this has impacted my emotional state. I’m a pretty balanced person in the emotions stakes. Now, I burst into tears just because someone looks at me. I’ll cry at commercials or because a character on a TV show looks sad. I’ll cry because I’m tiered. I’ll cry because I’m hungry. I’ll cry because dinner is taking too long to cook. Anything can send me off and I don’t like it! I don’t like feeling like I’m an emotional wreck who has no control over their body or reactions. It’s just not me!

But, I guess that’s the other big lesson you learn in pregnancy – the old you is gone. You will never be the same once you’re pregnant. Your mind will never be the same, or your body, or your soul. And of course there’s the small fact that once the baby is born, your life will never be the same!

I think that’s the main crux – accepting my life will never be the same. I’m excited to embrace my new future, but at the same time it’s scary. Everything that’s happening is weird and it’s only going to get weirder. I can’t imagine what it will be like when I feel the first kick, or if I have two of them kicking me at the same time! The voice in my head says “This is your new normal sweetheart. Better suck it up!”   

Image by Stuart Miles
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