Thursday, 6 June 2013

Moments that change your life forever

It's pretty rare to have a moment that changes your life forever. It's even rarer to know it's one of those moments when it happens. In the past 24 hours, I've had two of those moments.

The first was at the acupuncturist's office. I explained the events of my week to her, including my hcg levels. She was impressed with them and said they were high enough to indicate twins. I thought they weren't but hey, I've been wrong before.

Lying on the table, I suddenly realised my levels hadn't tripled in a week, they had quadrupled! I wondered when I had got so bad at Maths. Twins suddenly seemed more real.

As I drifted off into my state of relaxation, I asked Sticky to speak to me. I had never asked that before. I heard a voice say "I'm here Mum and I'll see you tomorrow." Instantly, I heard a smaller, quieter voice say "I'm here too. I'll be there tomorrow too." In that moment, I felt with every single fibre of my being that there are two of them, and they are both fine. I started crying. It was my first moment.

I told them to look after each other and support each other. I told them to help each other grow big and strong. I told them if they saw the other starting to leave to fight as hard as they could to bring them back. I told them to remind each other of how much they have to live for. How much they will be loved by their parents, grandparents, uncles and all their extended aunts and uncles. I told them how much their lives will be full of love, laughter and joy. I told them how much they have to look forward to, like swinging in the park, running on the footy field and chasing the cat. I told them whatever happens, don't give up.

I told them they can make me as sick as they like. I'm happy to spend the next few weeks with my head in a toilet if that's what it takes. I told them they can make me as fat as they like. I told them they can give me as many varicose veins as they like. I told them they can give me anything they like because I can hack it, although I asked to be spared gestational diabetes because that wouldn't be good for them. The only response I got was two little giggles.

I told them how much I loved them and will love them. I told them I can't wait to meet them. I told them they are already the loves of my life. I suddenly felt totally calm and at peace. They are there and they are ok. I just know it.

On the way home in the train, I heard the little voice say “I have to go.” I bolted up right and said “You get back here.” I then heard “I was just joking” but I wasn’t so sure.

This morning I woke up at 4:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just laid there wishing the minutes by so we could get to the scan. Finally, it was time to get up and get going. I felt exhausted!

As I laid on the bed I held a tissue in my hand in case I cried. My husband made a nuisance of himself planting himself between the bed and the screen because I asked him to record it. I don’t think the specialist was happy. Straight away we saw there was a white blob (that's Sticky) and a heart beat going nice and strong at 122 beats per minute. The specialist said “We should be able to hear it” and suddenly the thump, thump, thump of Sticky’s heart filled the room. That was my second moment.

In that instant, I realised I would never be the same. That tiny flickering light, and that thumping noise had forever changed me. It was a moment I will never forget and was enormously proud of myself for not bursting into tears!

There is definitely another sack there but there was nothing it although the specialist wasn’t 100% sure. He said it doesn’t look viable and is most likely vanishing twin syndrome where there is a twin but it just hasn’t made it. Eventually, that twin gets absorbed by the other. So, I guess there is maybe a 5% chance Baby B is still there, and is just lagging a bit behind but it isn’t likely.

I had mixed emotions because on one hand, it looks like I have lost one baby but the other is there. Right now, 2 hours later, I haven’t quite decided how I feel. I am trying to focus on the fact that there is one strong heart there. But, given I did hear the voice saying I’m going, I don’t believe Baby B is there.

My friend said maybe Peanut needed some help in heaven. I like to think of it like that. Peanut needed some reinforcement and now, Sticky has two siblings up there looking over her and keeping her safe.

I called my parents straight away to let them know and they were over the moon. My husband texted his family to let them know and I was glad he had finally told them. He looked at me and said “I’m as giddy as a teenage girl who just found out she isn’t pregnant!”. I know he had been nervous about it so was glad he could relax. He was looking forward to going to work and telling his one friend who knows about it over a celebratory lunch. I’m very glad he has someone he can share all of this with.

So now, I have to find a new obstetrician. I’ve decided not to go back to the one who handled the miscarriage – I just want a clean slate. The specialist also told me there is a bleed there so there is likely to be some bleeding. I’m not sure I’ll cope with that too well but at least I know to expect it. Eventually, that will just be absorbed and disappear.

He told me given my age and history we’re not out of the woods yet. I knew this but like he said, we get closer with each milestone. I told him we never saw a heartbeat in the last pregnancy so we were already leaps and bounds ahead. He told me to rest up and take it easy over the next few weeks, although I don’t need to “wrap myself in cotton wool.” I’d like to though!

Part of me feels relieved because the chance of miscarriage drops to 5% once you see a heartbeat but I know plenty of women who have still lost their babies afterwards. It makes me calmer to know it’s going well but it makes me more nervous as well. I guess it’s understanding that whatever happens is out of my control and all I can do is take care of myself and Sticky. If Baby B has gone, and I’m now assuming that to be the case, then Sticky and I are now Team Fist. I love the thought of raising my fist in defiance to the Baby Gods and saying “We will win this battle. You’ve already taken Baby B so this one is mine! Back off!” Ohh, look at me already being a Big Bad Mumma!  

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