Today, for the first time, I feel pregnant. I think it’s a
culmination of feeling more reassured everything is ok and suddenly being smashed with a raft of symptoms. Part of me is
even excited! But, the hyper vigilant part of me is still on watch, telling the
other part not to get too excited. Reminding me we still have a long way to go.
Yesterday, the GP did a work up and said everything was
fine. I asked him if my HCG tripling in a week was enough and he said it was
perfect. Again, it made me want to punch the stupid doctor at the hospital in
the face for telling me my numbers were too low. I asked him if it was normal
not to see the foetal pole at 5 weeks 3 days and he said that was fine too.
Everything was fine.
He said I didn’t need to know the hospital HCG levels but I
asked him to check anyway. I wanted to make sure it hadn’t fallen – they came
back at 1800. I think they only processed it enough to know it was over 1000
and didn’t bother doing any more than that. I did have a slight moment of panic
thinking it might have been 18,000 and they had just left a 0 off, but then I
remembered the doctor saying they didn’t process it any further. So blood
levels are all good and growing well.
The GP didn’t have any firm conviction on what was causing
the cramps. He said it could just be the muscles expanding and could also be a
result of an increase in estrogen. He also said it could just be gas, so it was
just a case of coulds, and the cramp mystery remains unsolved. But, he had no
problems with upper abdominal cramps – it’s just lower abdominal that he
worries about and I’m fine there. I walked out feeling more relaxed and much
less stressed. Now, it’s just about getting those hearts beating.
Today, I’ve noticed my symptoms changing. I have very mild
nausea and boob pain, but am hit with indigestion, heart burn,
constipation and tiredness. Other than feeling exhausted after Friday night,
the energy levels have been pretty good. But this morning, the effort needed to
walk up the hill to work was significantly more. I’d like to think these extra
symptoms correlate with the hearts starting to pump, Baby B becoming a baby and a huge increase in HCG.
Here’s a tip for you I only just learnt – HCG levels even
out at 9 to 10 weeks and then start to drop. That’s why women normally feel
better in the 2nd trimester because the hormones that have been
playing havoc with their bodies have released their hold. I’ve also learnt that
I’m now at the stage of pregnancy where HCG levels will no longer indicate a
healthy pregnancy – that will now all come down to the scans. They will show if
everything that’s meant to be there is, or isn’t. It looks like the probe and
I are going to become good friends once more!
So now the only battle left is managing the conflict
between the 2 sides of my brain. Somehow, I need to bring them together so they
can harmoniously manage this pregnancy, rather than constantly fighting. Which
is better – hope and excitement or worry and preparedness? I know they are both
trying to achieve the same thing – for me to have a healthy baby and not to go
through the pain of last time. Neither side can achieve this because neither of
them can influence the outcome. So in their moments of battle, all I can do is
take deep breaths, but on my big girl pants to face the uncertainty of the next
7.5 months and remind myself that right now, Team Fisty is winning!
Image courtesy of www.veravenus.com
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