Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Putting on my big girl pants

Today, for the first time, I feel pregnant. I think it’s a culmination of feeling more reassured everything is ok and suddenly being smashed with a raft of symptoms. Part of me is even excited! But, the hyper vigilant part of me is still on watch, telling the other part not to get too excited. Reminding me we still have a long way to go.

Yesterday, the GP did a work up and said everything was fine. I asked him if my HCG tripling in a week was enough and he said it was perfect. Again, it made me want to punch the stupid doctor at the hospital in the face for telling me my numbers were too low. I asked him if it was normal not to see the foetal pole at 5 weeks 3 days and he said that was fine too. Everything was fine.

He said I didn’t need to know the hospital HCG levels but I asked him to check anyway. I wanted to make sure it hadn’t fallen – they came back at 1800. I think they only processed it enough to know it was over 1000 and didn’t bother doing any more than that. I did have a slight moment of panic thinking it might have been 18,000 and they had just left a 0 off, but then I remembered the doctor saying they didn’t process it any further. So blood levels are all good and growing well.

The GP didn’t have any firm conviction on what was causing the cramps. He said it could just be the muscles expanding and could also be a result of an increase in estrogen. He also said it could just be gas, so it was just a case of coulds, and the cramp mystery remains unsolved. But, he had no problems with upper abdominal cramps – it’s just lower abdominal that he worries about and I’m fine there. I walked out feeling more relaxed and much less stressed. Now, it’s just about getting those hearts beating.

Today, I’ve noticed my symptoms changing. I have very mild nausea and boob pain, but am hit with indigestion, heart burn, constipation and tiredness. Other than feeling exhausted after Friday night, the energy levels have been pretty good. But this morning, the effort needed to walk up the hill to work was significantly more. I’d like to think these extra symptoms correlate with the hearts starting to pump, Baby B becoming a baby and a huge increase in HCG.

Here’s a tip for you I only just learnt – HCG levels even out at 9 to 10 weeks and then start to drop. That’s why women normally feel better in the 2nd trimester because the hormones that have been playing havoc with their bodies have released their hold. I’ve also learnt that I’m now at the stage of pregnancy where HCG levels will no longer indicate a healthy pregnancy – that will now all come down to the scans. They will show if everything that’s meant to be there is, or isn’t. It looks like the probe and I are going to become good friends once more!

So now the only battle left is managing the conflict between the 2 sides of my brain. Somehow, I need to bring them together so they can harmoniously manage this pregnancy, rather than constantly fighting. Which is better – hope and excitement or worry and preparedness? I know they are both trying to achieve the same thing – for me to have a healthy baby and not to go through the pain of last time. Neither side can achieve this because neither of them can influence the outcome. So in their moments of battle, all I can do is take deep breaths, but on my big girl pants to face the uncertainty of the next 7.5 months and remind myself that right now, Team Fisty is winning!

Image courtesy of www.veravenus.com 

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