10 weeks pregnant - rain on my parade

Here we are – week 10. We’ve reached double figures! Sticky’s the size of an olive and her bones and cartilage are forming, her eyes are moving from the side of her head to the front and the diaphragm is being built. Apparently, this is the week my morning sickness is likely to be the worst it’s been and it’s already reared its head. There are many things to celebrate this week but my joy has been tainted by sad news.

Over the weekend, I found out that a most beloved friend has suffered another miscarriage. When I got her text message I read it in total disbelief. How could it be happening again? It just made no sense. Hearing about someone else’s miscarriage brings up so many different emotions. My heart was broken for her. I felt useless there wasn’t anything I could do to help take away her pain. I was tormented by the fact the universe could be so cruel. I relived the pain of my own miscarriage. And I felt what I assumed was a pregnancy version of survivor’s guilt – why was I pregnant and she wasn’t?

The saddest thing for me is the impact this has on our experience of pregnancy. We had always spoken about sharing the pregnancy journey together and how excited we were to do it. She cried and mourned after my miscarriage and I’ve done the same for her. Because of that, we now support each other in not letting ourselves indulge in our fears. Being conscious of that, and the worse things that could happen, was never meant to be part of it.

Knowing the pain she is in creates rain on my pregnancy parade. I know she would have struggled with the decision to tell me because she wouldn't want to upset me, so I'm glad she did. I would rather know and be able to provide what limited support I can, rather than not. I will feel it most on Wednesday. I’ll want to call her to tell her how my obstetrician appointment went but I won’t. She’s in the hibernation state we all go into after a miscarriage and that means avoiding all baby-related news. After my miscarriage, I had to block everyone on Facebook that I knew was pregnant because I just couldn’t handle seeing it. So I know exactly where she is. I told her to stay in hibernation for as long as she needed because you just have to do that as part of the healing process.  

I think I’m just angry at the baby gods for ruining our good time. We’ve all been through big things in our life where we dream about sharing it with our friends. We have visions about the celebrations , conversations and  good times that we’ll share. Somehow, these things just don’t feel the same if your friends can't share it with you. It just doesn’t feel as sparkly as it should. That makes me sad for both of us.  

Now, all I can do is lovingly leave my friend in peace to spend time healing and regrouping. I will send a prayer of love and comfort to her every day and hope she knows how much I love her and am thinking of her. In the meantime, I will try to remember every possible detail of my pregnancy so I can tell her when her time comes. While I might not be able to support her now, I know I can support her when she’s 10 weeks pregnant so I will focus on that. I guess that’s the thing about friendship – there is an ebb and flow to the support you give and receive so in the times you can’t give it, all you can do is prepare yourself for when it will be needed again.     

Image by kangshutters

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