12 weeks pregnant

Here we are – 12 weeks. It’s only 1 more week until we’re officially in second trimester. Sticky is now the size of a lime and by all accounts is having a rollicking time in there. She’s grasping, sucking, having a few hiccups and rolling about. She’s loving life and doing great. I, on the other hand, am not.

The last two days have been a massive struggle. It started yesterday morning when I lifted my right leg and put my back out. That’s all it took. I felt the pain immediately and knew what it meant. I hoped it was only a minor issue. The day got worse when I had the most painful bout of constipation I have ever experienced. I won’t go into the gory details but lets just say that the end result was tears streaming down my face. I ended up feeling disorientated, faint and exhausted. It was actually rather scary.

I had a terrible night sleep because everytime I rolled over I woke up with my back in pain. I went to the chiropractor this morning and it is feeling a bit better, but I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m exhausted, nauseous and totally wrung out. I’ve ditched the iron tablets I was on because they can cause constipation and I’ve bought prune juice and liquorice which are meant to help. Neither of them seem terribly appealing to me but anything has to be better than what I went through.

To be honest, pregnancy has got the better of me today. I’ve tried to stay upbeat and grateful that I get to experience all of this, but today it’s a struggle. It makes no sense to me that I can feel so sick but be so hungry. It seems so bizarre that I can be so tiered but will wake up starving. I so desperately hope that this all starts to calm down in the next week or two.

I don’t like to feel beaten by it but I am. I wanted to remain positive and grateful through the whole pregnancy. I never wanted to complain because I know how lucky and blessed I am to be where I am. But perhaps my expectations were unrealistic and too high. Pregnancy is tough business. There’s no way you can remain upbeat all the time when you’re exhausted, feel horrible and have hormones raging through your body. I realise that the best thing I can do for myself is take is to take the pressure off myself. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed by things. It’s ok to be frustrated. It’s ok to admit I’m having difficulty coping.

What’s important is that underneath all of that, I know I am doing the best I can for myself and Sticky. I am so very madly and deeply in love with her that I am just trying to provide the best home I can. Feeling beaten by pain, nausea and exhaustion will never change that so I’m going to give up thinking that it will.