A fear failure

Last night I had a huge failure in my fear management. It took me a while to figure out what caused the melt down but the pieces finally fell into place. Funnily enough, it all started with watching a documentary on mental illness. As you do!

As I watched this documentary, I started wondering if I had some pre-natal depression going on. Not that I really feel depressed, but I just don’t feel myself. You just don’t know how the hormones and emotions are going to affect you. And thus far, I really haven’t had any emotional problems through the pregnancy.

I realised it was a mix of a few things. First, the transition into 2^nd trimester is not an easy one. I didn’t realise how much of a mental shift it required and I’m still figuring that out. I never understood how much of a change it would be but I guess it was stupid to think I would.

Second, it’s coming up to a year since I fell pregnant with Peanut. I feel absolutely exhausted when I think of the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on in the past 12 months. From falling pregnant, to loosing Peanut, to having the DNC, starting fertility medication, falling pregnant, loosing Baby B and battling the constant fear I have for Sticky’s wellbeing. It’s been so much to handle and deal with in that short time and I feel overwhelmed by it all.

I realise pregnancy is the hardest thing I will ever do. It is the scariest, most gut wrenching experience of my life. And for someone who struggles with patience, pregnancy is the ultimate test. My husband did his best to soothe my pain, reminding me the genetic counsellor said our scan results were the most perfect we could get. I knew what he was right, but in the middle of my tears, I couldn’t see it. I could only respond “That doesn’t stop things from going wrong later.”

The fact of the matter is we don’t have any guarantee. No pregnant woman does. Anything can happen at any time and nothing can happen at all. It is literally a day by day proposition. I told my husband that Sticky might be the only child we have because I don’t know if I could go through this again. He said I might feel different at the end and that’s true.

I know I am exhausted and feeling frazzled so I am not on an emotionally even keel. I wish my experience of pregnancy was not tainted with my loss. I wish I could throw myself into the experience and celebrate the amazingness of it. I wish I was feeling brave enough to tell people but I’m not. And, I realise it’s useless thinking like that because all of things are part of my experience. There’s no point wishing it was something else but it can’t be. All I can do is play the cards I’m dealt and play the best hand I can. For now, the battle to overcome the fear continues. I expect there will be good days and bad so today is bad. Here’s hoping tomorrow is good!