Friday, 12 July 2013

Fabulous Friday BUT...

Last week I had a Fabulous but frazzled Friday. This Friday it seems to be a Fabulous but freaked out Friday. To be honest, I’m struggling with Fabulous Friday’s at the moment. I’m so exhausted come the end of the week it’s hard to find the energy to be Fabulous. I might need to embrace Marvellous Monday instead, but I’ll give it my best crack!

Over the past few days I’ve been thinking about what’s fabulous. But I find that every thought is couched with a but.

Excitement – My parents have been cot shopping. My Father has taken it upon himself to build Sticky a cot. He’s very excited about it and has been planning it for weeks. He’s bought wood, looked up the Australian safety standards to make sure he complies and is thinking about paint colours. He wants me to decide what mattress we want so he can build the cot around it. I’m glad he’s excited BUT… I’m not there with him.

I couldn’t bare to tell him so I let my Mum know that we won’t be thinking about mattresses for a few weeks yet. I’m just not ready to go there yet. I need to get through next week’s scan first. Then, I need to wait until I feel ok about believing Sticky will arrive.

12 weeks – Come Monday, I’ll be 12 weeks. It’s a major milestone. Not quite second trimester but pretty close. It is fabulous to know I’m so close BUT…it doesn’t relax me. If anything, it makes me more nervous and anxious that something could go wrong. Of course there’s no reason to think so. Given the development process, statistically speaking, Sticky is pretty much out of the woods. But I have all the stories I read about women finding out at their 12 week scan they lost the baby, or other women loosing the baby at 14 weeks going through my head. It’s just too soon to celebrate too much.

Faith – Yesterday, I told my friend I would continue to have faith in the universe for her while her faith waivered. I find that a simple prospect I can whole heartedly throw myself into. Actually, I’m doing that for a few friends at the moment who need a bit of extra faith in their lives that things will turn out the way they want. I’m glad I can provide them that support, BUT…I can’t seem to do it for myself.

I constantly find myself in this ongoing battle of believing everything will be ok but then letting my faith in that waiver.  I know the pattern – I get in this frame of mind before each scan. I think this scan is the biggest of all though. I’ve been surprised that with all the previous scans I’ve had, I’ve never cried or even got teary. This one could be different. This is the one that should tell us everything is ok. BUT…I only see it as being ok for now.

In the deepest part of my being I know Sticky will be ok. On the superficial layer, not so much. I am hoping the two parts can merge so I know it in every part of me. I guess that’s what I’m putting my faith into at the moment. That there will come a time when I will let go of my fear and anxiety and know everything will be ok. I’m hoping that time will come long before I’m holding Sticky in my arms!

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