Thursday, 18 July 2013

Releasing the fear

Today I’m in the post scan come down I normally get. The thrills of seeing Sticky have gone and the fear returns. It’s the constant roller coaster I ride but it’s one I’m getting ready to get off.

I had lunch with a friend today who knows all too well the plight of having a baby. She had several IVF attempts that lead to miscarriages, before naturally falling pregnant with her son. She was so excited to hear my news and asked “Are you still feeling worried about things?” to which I answered yes. It still seems too early for me to get too excited or run around telling people.

The fact we could see so much detail made Sticky look deceptively large, but she’s still the size of a lime. She is so small and so fragile. I feel like her life is still in the balance – it could go either way. My friend totally agreed with me – a heart tainted with loss often does. She said she didn’t feel at peace until she held her baby but that still seems so far away.

In saying all of this, I know the time is coming when I’ll have to reveal all. I’m looking down at my stomach today and I’m convinced it’s only a matter of time before someone asks me if I’m pregnant. There’s not a lot more I can do to hide it so the time to fess up is nigh.

Aside from that, I am over being scared and worried. It takes up so much of my time and means I can’t celebrate in the way I want to. I know my state of being is a choice but I see it more as a battle. Why is my brain so stupid? Does it really think that by not engaging with Sticky it would hurt less if something happened? Could it really be that deluded? I’ve gone nearly twice the distance with Sticky that I went with Peanut so brain, accept the fact that if anything happens, we’d be devastated and a total wreck. Can we now please put all that aside and get on with things?

In an effort to whip my brain into shape, I am now determined to release my fears. Whenever I feel like I don’t want to do or say something about the pregnancy because I’m scared, I’m going to make myself do it. It’s time to take my brain power back!

So, first step, I’m going to buy new bras this weekend. My boobs will thank me and my brain can just get over it. It’s time to start facing the fact that a baby is on its way and things need to be done! Next step, booking into hospital! I’ll work up to that one!

Image by Stuart Miles
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