An anniversary

Today is my 1^st wedding anniversary. This photo is one of my favourites from the day. I can’t believe how quickly that time went by and how much we had thrown upon us in just 12 short months. As I think back on the year, the one constant factor through it all was my husband. Put simply, there is no way I would have survived it without him.

An Easter message

Happy Easter all! I hope you are enjoying the holiday with family and friends. I’m not a terribly religious person, but as I think of the meaning of Easter, and how Jesus was resurrected from the dead, I think Jesus and I had a lot in common. In no way do I mean to be disrespectful to the Christian faith, but I’m moved by the fact this weekend is all about rising again.

Embracing the healing process

I write this blog to make sense of this whole journey. Some people read it just to follow my story. Some read it because it provides them comfort and helps in dealing with their own journey. Some read it to help them prepare for starting their journey. And some read it just because they think it’s a good story! Whatever the reason, I just hope that you realise that no matter where you are on your journey, you know that you’re not alone.

The harsh reality of miscarriage

Last night, I watched an episode of the tv show Private Practice. In it, a woman who had just suffered her 4^th miscarriage was placed next to a woman who had just given birth. The woman walked in, saw the baby, and burst into tears. In an instant, I was taken back to the moment I was in the hospital being told my operation was being pushed back because of an emergency caesarean. I too, burst into tears.

Freedom from suffering

I went to see my chiropractor this morning and took particular notice of their daily quote. Some people say it’s coincidence that these things happen, but I believe the universe sends you signs all the time, just when you need it. This morning, I definitely needed it.

The power of choice

I woke up yesterday and decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. I wasn’t surprised, but I was disappointed. It means we won’t be having a baby this year. I really wanted a baby this year but I guess it just goes to show that just because you want something at a particular time, doesn’t mean you get it!

Merging my ying and yang

A few days ago, I posted about my internal battling twins. I thought they were trying to beat each other up right in their bid to prove themselves right. However, at the counsellors today, I realised they were both trying to achieve the same outcome – just in different ways.

Finding my excitement

I had to see my physio this morning and she asked when we were going to start trying for another baby. I told her we already were and she said “Oh, how exciting.” I replied “Well, between the pills, blood tests and organisation it’s more tiring than exciting.” But it got me thinking – maybe my lack of excitement is a big part of my problem.

Being brave enough to hope

I’m 8 days post ovulation today and officially into the second of my 2 week wait.  The last time I documented my 2 week wait, I ended up pregnant at the end of it!

Looking into the crystal ball

Yesterday, I started my day with a trip to the fertility specialist, and ended it spending 5 hours with my friend and her 3 week old baby. In the space of a few hours, I looked into a crystal ball and got more than a glimpse of what my future life with baby would be like. It was an eye-opening experience!

Embracing the illogical

One of the first things I did when I started this journey, was to go out and get myself a lucky charm – something I could keep near the bed and rub for good luck whenever I needed. I got a pair of booties! I was reminded of this today when after reading a friend’s post on the day her baby would have been born, I decided she needed a good luck charm too. This took me back to my bootie post – the 2^nd blog post I’d done.

Moving forward

Yesterday I decided to do some cleaning and came across my “baby box.” This is where I’ve been storing all the information  I got from the obstetrician and my copies of Practical Parenting magazine. It also contained various pamphlets and another baby-related paraphernalia and had been lying in a mess in the corner of our spare room. As I took everything out to re-order it and put it onto a shelf, I came across the white envelope that held the scans they took of Peanut the day I miscarried. I had only looked at them once before because it was too painful. As I held the envelope in my hand, I had to decide if I was ready to look at them again.

Remembering Peanut

I planted these flowers a few months ago in honour of Peanut. Normally, I don’t like yellow. Actually I hate yellow. I’m not even sure why I chose yellow. Maybe it was because this was the brightest colour and I wanted them to stand out from everything else in my garden.

The balancing crumbles

I had no idea trying to have a baby would be so difficult. There are so many things you have to organise and it feels like every month, the elements are balanced so precariously that it could all come crashing down at any moment. Last night it crashed – thanks to ironing!

The return of hope

Today, I feel hopeful. I don’t think I’ve felt hopeful in a long time. It feels strange yet familiar. Like a friend you haven’t seen for a long time, and your conversation starts off a bit awkwardly, until it’s like you were never apart. I’m so grateful to see you again old friend. It’s been far too long!

Searching for serenity

My husband and I were talking about angels last night, and I suddenly remembered my angel cards. I hadn’t looked at them in a few years so I took them out to do a reading. My husband got Raphael – one of the biggies! I got the Angel of Serenity – as soon as I read the first few lines, I knew why this angel was meant to be watching over me right now.

The blood tests begin

I had my first blood test today. I feel a bit blah about the whole thing. I don’t know why. But I have a feeling that come the end of the week, my arm will either look like I’ve become a heroin addict, or Dracula has decided I’m his new favourite dessert!

Releasing the guilt

Five months ago today I lost my baby. So it seemed fitting that I should have released a lot of emotion in my session with the counsellor this morning. However, I was totally unprepared for the revelations it would reveal.

Goodbye ovarian cyst - not nice knowing you!

So it turns out my ovarian cyst was not actually a cyst. That’s good news, but I’m a little miffed that the doctor could have saved me the worry I’ve had over the past few weeks by just telling me when to get the test done! Overall, it’s not really a big deal, but I’d like to think that anything that can impact on my fragile emotions could be heeded off if possible.

Looking for the part of me I've lost

My fabulous friend Angela emailed me today wanting to catch up for lunch. She told me she’d been thinking about me, and talking to other people to get some ideas on how she could help me. I felt very honoured that she was thinking of me and had gone to so much effort to help. It made me appreciate having great friends like her. But, interestingly, our email conversation revealed I have lost confidence in my ability to relate to people. I never realised it and it saddens me to know this is just another way in which the miscarriage has changed me.

Dear Baby

I’ve just returned from having my ovarian cyst checked. The fertility specialist wanted to see if it grew or shrunk throughout my cycle. To be honest, I’m over it. I’ll get those results tomorrow so I’m not thinking about it until then. Today, I’m thinking of my second baby.

Conjuring my future

In my effort to think more positively, I’ve started conjuring up this image in my head. I imagine taking a photo just like this – only with my husband and my baby in it. I imagine posting it on Facebook. I imagine writing in the description “That moment in life when you realise you’ve got everything you ever wanted.”

To baby or not to baby? That is the question

I read an interesting article in the paper on the weekend bout how women are their own worse enemies when it comes to those with children, and those without. Oh, how we love to judge and criticise the other, depending which side of the fence we stand on.

Clomid fun!

The clomid journey has begun – I’m on to day 2 and the side effects are kicking in. I was hoping I would be one of those people who didn’t suffer them. I was wrong!

The power of positive thinking

During yesterday's boo hoo moment, I realised one of my ongoing issues is somehow convincing myself I’m too old to have children. I don’t know where that’s come from but it just seems to be a recurrent voice in my head. It’s stupid really as I know several people who have had healthy babies older than me! So perhaps it was fate stepping in that bought me to the website www.achildafter40.com. It's clearly time to start engaging in some positive thinking!