Thursday, 28 March 2013

Embracing the healing process

I write this blog to make sense of this whole journey. Some people read it just to follow my story. Some read it because it provides them comfort and helps in dealing with their own journey. Some read it to help them prepare for starting their journey. And some read it just because they think it’s a good story! Whatever the reason, I just hope that you realise that no matter where you are on your journey, you know that you’re not alone.

While the last few days have been enormously difficult for me, they have bought me insight into where I currently am. I guess I had to experience everything I’ve been through, and reach this stage of my recovery to know that. So I thought I’d share some of my learnings.

We all experience grief in different ways. It can depend on the perceived severity of our loss, what the loss was, how close we were to it and how much it impacts us. But one of the common responses we will all have is anger. I’ve realised that of all the stages of grief, anger is probably the one you will spend most time in. The hardest time you’ll ever do there is your first stint. Following stints will then become shorter and easier to manage.

The thing with being in the angry stage, is the toxicness of those emotions stops any healing from happening. To truly be angry, and revel in that emotion, means you have to shut down everything else. Eventually, something will happen to make you step out of anger, and that’s when the first small buds of healing will emerge.

As humans, we are enormously fragile creatures. We can be broken so easily that we set up protection mechanisms for ourselves. The mind is a wonderful thing that lets us to this. However, if the mind welds itself shut in this protection mode, it does run the risk of not letting anything else in. The hope is that we only stay in this shutdown mode for as long as need. Eventually, we have to let the sunshine in if we are to grow those buds.

This process is very frustrating and confusing. As the person going through it, you really have no idea what’s happening. When those first buds appear, you don’t know what they are or why they are there. If you’re not ready to let them grow, you will cut them off. But rest assured, it doesn’t matter how many times you cut them off, they will keep growing back until you let them flourish.
If you are someone trying to support your loved one through this, please, be patient. When the first signs of healing start, we have no idea what’s going on. We can’t tell you what’s happening because we don’t know. It’s like buying a mixed batch of tulips – you have no idea what colour each one will be until it blooms. It’s the same with healing – there are so many underlying and sub-conscious issues swirling around that you have no idea what the real issue is until it’s revealed. Only then do you know what you didn’t know. Only then, can you start to share it.  

When I had my trigger about my dnc, I couldn’t explain to my husband what was happening. Once the issue was revealed to me, I needed a day to process it and understand it before I could share the significance of my experience. He was worried about me going through these moments but I told him the triggers need to happen to reveal what I need to heal from. He couldn’t understand what this trigger had shown me that I didn’t already know. I told him it revealed the pain and trauma from the miscarriage I had buried deep. I didn’t know I was so affected by it and held so much grief about that experience. Now I do, I can dump that piece of baggage and feel much lighter as a result.

I feel like releasing that pain also helped to release a mental blockage. I realised I had been so focussed on falling pregnant again after the miscarriage, that I was telling myself I was ready for it. I think throwing myself into the fertility treatment was a way of convincing myself. It didn’t work. I still want to be pregnant but I need to let go of some of the control I’ve put onto the process. I told my husband that I would continue with the clomid and the homeopathic remedies, but I wasn’t going to get the daily blood tests. When he asked why, I explained to him that I needed to find a happy medium between doing what I was comfortable with but not doing too much.

Letting go of the blood tests for this month feels like one thing I can do to relax the tension. And I feel lighter, and can breathe deeper after making that decision. Of course it may mean we end up with triplets but we’re not picky. We both agreed that even if we were told I had 4 eggs, we would still give it a shot.  I know the clomid is working so I’ll now just leave it in the hands of the gods. Next month may be different but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Finally, my last insight is don’t be afraid of putting yourself in the way of triggers. They will cause you great pain but through great pain comes great healing. The only way to go over it, is to go through it, and after each trigger, I know I am one step closer to reaching true acceptance and peace about loosing my baby. Afterall, contentment and peace is what we are all striving for but we need to be brave enough to achieve it.

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