Thursday, 21 March 2013

Being brave enough to hope

I’m 8 days post ovulation today and officially into the second of my 2 week wait.  The last time I documented my 2 week wait, I ended up pregnant at the end of it!

I haven’t been documenting every little observation I’ve had this time around as I’ve noticed I seem to experience different things every month. As I read over my last 2 week wait post, I recognise I am having the same symptoms I had then – but that’s nothing to get excited about. It makes me hopeful that this time might be a repeat, but like I said at this exact time last time, “We still have a long way to go.”

The current conundrum in my head is when to test. If I was a patient person, I wouldn’t worry about it and just think if my period is a few days late then I’ll do it then. The problem this month is my period could be due the day of my 1st wedding anniversary, or, it could be due 3 days earlier if the clomid has done its trick. The time it’s due also coincides with Easter so it means if I do test positive over the Easter break, I can’t get a blood test until after it and it would kill me not to be able to tell my family – who we are spending our anniversary with.

Another issue is we’re going out for a very fancy dinner next Thursday so I should know whether I can drink or not. Mind you, I am living up to my philosophy of not acting like I’m pregnant until I’m actually pregnant by consuming a few glasses of wine in the past few days. I know, all of this isn’t a big deal but it’s all swirling in my head.

Part of me has a sneaky suspicion I could be pregnant  but I’m almost too scared to even type that. I have an internal battle going on – which being a Gemini , quite often happens. As the twin sign, I often have inner duals which can sometimes become a war. So now, one twin wants to be happy and excited that I have this suspicion, but the other twin slaps it down saying “you’ve thought that before and nothing happened so don’t be stupid.” Then the first twin hangs its head and runs off in embarrassment for being hopeful. Since when did part of me want to slap down hope?

The problem with hoping is it creates expectations. Expectations create dreams. Dreams create desire. Desire creates want. Want creates need. Need creates fear of your needs not being met. So there you go – it would appear I am too afraid to hope. Why? Do I think I won’t cope if I’m not pregnant? I’ve been “not pregnant” 6 times now, and only pregnant once. Being “not pregnant” is far more familiar to me than being pregnant is. Being pregnant just feels like it was a distant dream now.

When I read that on day 13 I said I believed I was pregnant, I remember the exact moment I thought that. There was just something inside of me that knew. I wonder if it was the same part of me that knew when Peanut was gone? Clearly, I have some part of me that is intune with baby-related issues. Maybe I’ve lost confidence in that part? Maybe I only had that part because Peanut was Peanut? Maybe that part is working exactly as it should be and I should have more faith in it?  

I realise  I’ve been conditioned to believe this won’t happen and that’s not where I want to be. I want to be hopeful. I want to feel like my next pregnancy is a result of good luck and good management, rather than just wishful thinking.  So, that still doesn’t answer my question of when to test. I’m hoping that one of the twins will put down their end of the tug-of-war rope and send me the answer. Failing that, I might just have to trust in myself and have faith that whatever the outcome, I’ll be just fine!     

Image by Stuart Miles
Courtesy of

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...