Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Freedom from suffering

I went to see my chiropractor this morning and took particular notice of their daily quote. Some people say it’s coincidence that these things happen, but I believe the universe sends you signs all the time, just when you need it. This morning, I definitely needed it.

The quote said “The point that has to be borne in mind is the reason why reflection is so important is because there is a possibility of a way out. There is an alternative. There is a possibility of freedom from suffering.” Those words – freedom from suffering – really resonate with me. I guess in the end we are all looking for freedom from suffering but knowing how to do that is an entirely different thing.

I feel like I’m on a see-saw at the moment, constantly going up and down between freedom and suffering. After yesterday’s post, I was feeling relatively free. Not completely free but it was a good start. This was shattered after I saw some pictures on Facebook of the babies of some of the girls I went to high school with. I have not spoken to these girls in 20 years. I have no idea of their lives, any struggles they’ve gone through, or the people they’ve become. But seeing these photos of their children made me mad. Some of them were such bitches at school and my immediate reaction was “why do you get everything you want when you were such a horrible person and I don’t get what I want when I’m a nice person?” Yes, I know, irrational response but irrational thinking goes hand in hand with struggling.

I have no idea if these women have had miscarriages or lost babies. The one thing the miscarriage taught me was you can never assume what is going on in someone’s life because we’re all masters of disguising what’s really going on for us. So I was able to swing back to calm but I still felt angry.

I realised the anger was really just masking fear. I told my husband that I was scared of the prospect that we might not be able to have kids. He said he didn’t think it was likely but we had to acknowledge it was a possibility. I asked him if he was scared of not having children. He said he felt apprehensive rather than scared. I’m not sure what the difference between the two emotions is but it didn’t matter. A tear rolled down my cheek when he said that.

Only time will tell what is in store for us. Only patience will bring the answers. Only faith and hope will get me through whatever time it takes to realise an outcome one way or the other. A friend of mine told me to be prepared that it would take a year. I’m starting to realise she was right. Having an expectation of timeframes does no one any favours. I had that last time and the fact it happened much quicker than expected threw me just as much as this time taking longer than I expected. What’s the happy medium? Just throw it into the universe and keep saying I’m ready whenever you are!

In the meantime, I will continue to use the skills I’m developing to gain freedom from suffering – breath deeply, check in with my body to see where I’m holding anxiety and pain, connect with my sub-conscious so see what’s lurking there, exercise and eat right, be thankful for my life, live each day and truly love what I have. It’s hard to keep all of that in mind but I remind myself that it takes time to learn new skills and practice. Lots, and lots, and lots of practice!
Image by David Castillo Dominici
Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

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