Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Conjuring my future

In my effort to think more positively, I’ve started conjuring up this image in my head. I imagine taking a photo just like this – only with my husband and my baby in it. I imagine posting it on Facebook. I imagine writing in the description “That moment in life when you realise you’ve got everything you ever wanted.”

After last week’s bout of negativity, I need something to combat that voice in my head that says it isn’t going to happen. I know it’s just my self-protection mechanisms kicking in, and I wish I could shut that side of me up. It’s my go-to position when I face something in life with an uncertain outcome. It’s my way of trying to have some control over it – think the worse, prepare for the worse and you’ll be fine. Clearly, it doesn’t work like that!

Funnily enough I didn’t have these thoughts before falling pregnant. I was full of hope and positivity and bought myself positive things to focus on – remember my booties? I still have them at the back of my bed and I look at them everyday. Sometimes I see them, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, I pick them up and hold them in my hand. I marvel at how small they are and how small the feet are that fits into them. When I do that, it brings tears to my eyes so I don’t tend to do it too often.

When I was pregnant, I convinced myself I would be ok if I had a miscarriage. I use to tell myself it would be the baby’s way of breaking up with me. When you read the story of my miscarriage, and this blog for that matter, there’s not one moment where you would think I was prepared for the miscarriage and was ok with it happening.  I’ve come to realise my coping mechanisms aren’t very good. In fact, they’re downright useless!

It doesn’t take much to succumb to the negativity. If you let it, it will consume you entirely and you may never be seen or heard from again. I’m determined to not let that happen. If conjuring this picture helps, then conjure I will do. It’s better than the alternative – beating myself senseless with negative thought after negative thought. There is no reason to think my picture won’t come to fruition so until I’m given a reason to change pictures, I’m sticking with this one!

Now, I can’t wait until this picture is filled with my husband and my baby. The sentiment of “can’t wait” is one of excitement rather than impatience. I like feeling excited. It’s been a while since I have. Feeling excited fills me with light, love and joy. I feel a sense of peace and calmness and an overwhelming sense of everything will be ok. That beats negativity any day of the week and twice on Tuesday!  

Image by:Dynamite Imagery
Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

1 comment:

  1. I love how positive you strive to be. I need to take some lessons because this is where I struggle. I feel like if I am not so hopeful I have less of a way to fall if things don't work out. Unfortunately this way of thinking isn't fun and I'm rarely happy. At least if I tried to be positive I'd be happier more often!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...