Thursday, 14 March 2013

The balancing crumbles

I had no idea trying to have a baby would be so difficult. There are so many things you have to organise and it feels like every month, the elements are balanced so precariously that it could all come crashing down at any moment. Last night it crashed – thanks to ironing!

When it comes to ironing, my husband and I share it. I don’t see the task as a great energy spender, but my husband does. It took me about 30 minutes to do my share but took him an hour to do his. When he finished, I asked him if he was ready to go to bed as we needed to get to business. He said  he was too tiered from ironing and had a sore back. I looked at him in stunned disbelief.  The one time when we knew I was ovulating and he was too tiered? I shook my head and walked off.

When we got in bed, I told him we needed to think of more strategies to manage his energy better. Basically, the conversation turned around to it being my fault because I stack too many things on him and, because of the difficulties I have having sex, it puts more pressure on him. I asked him why he didn’t tell me this before he did the ironing. If he had, I wouldn’t have worried about it. Of course he didn’t think about it at the time – neither did I.  

I tried to explain to him that if we were too tiered now to have sex, or sacrifice some of our energy to fall pregnant,  it didn’t vote well for our energy levels or sacrifices we would have to make when we have the baby. He said we’d just cope like all new parents do. He got frustrated because he couldn’t understand my point. I got frustrated because he couldn’t understand my point. I asked the question I dreaded to ask – “Do you really want a baby?” Without hesitation he said “I really want a baby.”

The conversation took a few more turns until his frustration exploded. I had to explain to him that I was the one that had to take the clomid. I was the one that had to deal with the side effects. I was the one that had to get the blood tests. I was the one that has to work through the pain and discomfort everytime we have sex. Given everything I had to go to just to get here, I didn’t think I was asking too much for him to suck it up. My frustration exploded and I burst into tears.

I told him the things he had said to me where hurtful. I told him that I feel like there is always some road block that stops us. I told him these fights don’t make the experience enjoyable.  I told him this was our last chance to have a baby born this year. Of course all of this was through snorts, gasps for airs and tears streaming down my face. When I asked him if he had anything to say in response to these things, he said “I don’t know what to say.”  

Being in a committed relationship is so hard. You constantly battle with your self-doubts and insecurities, which can sometimes get the better of you, and force you to say and do things you normally wouldn’t.  Luckily, my husband and I are emotionally intelligent enough to work through these moments, to get to the bottom of what’s really creating the problem. Mine was the pressure I had put on this month as our last chance to have a baby in 2013. His was not thinking enough about what I was going through. Eventually, we were able to work it out and come back to a united whole.

I’m glad we’ve got the ability to do that – to reunite. This morning, there was no grudges, no lingering hurt, no simmering resentment. We were both exhausted from the emotional and physical drain last night had taken so we just embraced in a moment of mutual understanding. We were united in a new understanding of each other, a new respect for each others’ needs and our ongoing dream to have a baby. We were ready to re-stack all the elements to get them balanced once more.  

Through my exhaustion, I could see a renewed strength of us as a couple, and an underlying current of new learnings – with the main one being don’t worry about doing the ironing in the week you’re trying to fall pregnant! Good learning!  

Image by debspoons
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