Sunday, 31 March 2013

An anniversary

Today is my 1st wedding anniversary. This photo is one of my favourites from the day. I can’t believe how quickly that time went by and how much we had thrown upon us in just 12 short months. As I think back on the year, the one constant factor through it all was my husband. Put simply, there is no way I would have survived it without him.
Like any bride, I feel like our wedding was a whirlwind. I came away excited, disappointed and elated. But a wedding it just one day, a marriage lasts a life. The two weeks following our wedding were the most restful, peaceful, calm and tranquil weeks we had between November 2011 and today. At the end of those two weeks, the stress started and just snowballed. We’d already had enough stress – organising a wedding, buying a house, renting out two apartments and moving. We thought we were done – we were wrong.

Following the wedding, we decided to sell our units, faced the prospect of losing my job, had a real estate agent try to extort money from us and decided to start trying for a baby. These situations culminated into an enormously stressful and upsetting time for me. My husband was amazingly supportive and I was thankful I had chosen him.  

Five months after our wedding I found out I was pregnant. We were both over the moon about it but wary of getting too excited. I couldn’t help myself and kept peppering my husband with baby name suggestions. He never once engaged. I think he didn’t want to let himself think about it or connect with the baby too much until we were in the safe zone. I guess he was right not to.

Suffering a miscarriage can put such an enormous strain on relationship. You each suffer and express the grief and pain in a different way. As the woman, we have the physical and hormonal connection that the man just cannot understand. As the woman, we carry the guilt that the home we provided somehow wasn’t strong enough to protect the baby. We take a lot on our shoulders that the man just doesn’t get.

I know it’s been very difficult for my husband, even though he doesn’t talk about it too much. But I know when he is thinking about it because he’s a little off with the fairies in that moment, disconnected from what’s happening in the here and now. I’ve learnt that these moments happen to him when he’s concerned about me. He wants to take my pain away, and understand what’s happening for me when I breakdown. Sometimes, all he can do is just hold me when I cry and tell me everything will be ok.

Put simply, I would not have survived these experiences without my husband. He is my rock and the one person in the world that I know is there for me no matter what. When I yell and scream at him he accepts my apologies and forgives me. When I see him smile at something I’ve said it warms my heart to think this man loves me so much he chooses to stand next to me and throw himself into the fire with me. And when he tells me that he knew he loved me the minute he saw me, I send a silent prayer of thanks to every god, angel and spirit who took part in the multitude of events that needed to happen to make our paths cross. 

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