Monday, 25 March 2013

The power of choice

I woke up yesterday and decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. I wasn’t surprised, but I was disappointed. It means we won’t be having a baby this year. I really wanted a baby this year but I guess it just goes to show that just because you want something at a particular time, doesn’t mean you get it!

I called my aunt who’s like my own personal Dalai-Lama/Mother Theresa/spiritual guide. She’s the one I go to when I’ve lost my way. She reminded me that we all have the ability to choose whether we struggle with or dance with life. She once asked me “Why are you choosing to struggle?” It was a really powerful question because at the time, I was swamped by everything in life “happening” to me. The thing is, we all have the ability to choose how we think, feel and respond to things that happen to us. We can choose to struggle – letting things get on top of us and pummel us down, or we can dance – letting things wash over us, standing strong in the face of adversity.

It’s hard to make the shift from struggling to dancing. When you’ve made the choice to struggle so many times, it just becomes the norm. Most of the time, you don’t even know you’re doing it. So it is a challenge to remain mindful to identify when you’re struggling, and make the shift to dancing. You need to re-train your brain and thought patterns and teach it the new skills it needs.

I know in the past 5 months, I’ve struggled more than I’ve danced. I know that I use a lot more energy struggling than I do dancing. I know which one I would rather be doing. I know I need to make some different choices.

Choice 1 – How do I choose to feel about not having a baby this year? Do I yell and scream and fall into a depression about something I can’t change, or do I accept it just isn’t meant to be and the right time will come? I choose to accept. It doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed, but it means I can move forward in peace.

Choice 2 – Do I get depressed about this being another failed attempt, or do I appreciate the learnings I’ve taken from this month and look forward to using them  next month? I choose to appreciate. Again, it doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed, but it means I’ve identified things we can do differently and you just never know the power one little difference can make.

I’ve realised that I’ve still got just over 2 years worth of trying before I hit 40. Of course that doesn’t mean I can’t have a baby over 40, but that’s my deadline where we’ll need to reassess our life plan. That means I have 26 more attempts to fall pregnant. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the fact I don’t have obstacles in my way. I’m grateful that I’ve found a doctor I feel I can trust. It means I have a good team on my side, odds on my side and positive things to look forward to. I choose to be excited about the wonderful opportunities this presents me. I choose to keep the faith. I choose to keep fighting for my dream.   

Image by Stuart Miles
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  1. I'm proud of you. :) it's not easy choosing to keep going when all you feel is the disappointments piling up. I needed to read this today.

  2. Thanks Robin! I think I'll need to read this every day for a while to remind myself!



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