Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Dear Baby

I’ve just returned from having my ovarian cyst checked. The fertility specialist wanted to see if it grew or shrunk throughout my cycle. To be honest, I’m over it. I’ll get those results tomorrow so I’m not thinking about it until then. Today, I’m thinking of my second baby.

Peanut was and will always be my first baby. When my second baby comes, and people ask me if it’s my first, I’ll tell them it’s my second. I promised Peanut that I would always honour his/her memory by always acknowledging his/her presence. Even writing those words brings tears to my eyes. For some reason I’m taken back to the walk I did the day I was told the pregnancy wasn’t viable. I seem to be stuck in the moment when I patted my belly and said “Peanut, if you’re not well or you’re not happy in there it’s ok to go my darling.” Two hours later I knew Peanut was gone.

You cannot experience a moment like that without it impacting you for the rest of your life. You cannot experience a moment like that with your unborn child and dismiss them as your child. What a moment like that does, is makes you yearn for a second chance.

That’s what I’m trying to focus on – my second chance. I’m trying to will, conjure, project and manifest as hard as I can to bring me my second chance. The only think I haven’t done is told my second baby that they need to be a willing participant in it all too so it’s time I did that.

Dear Baby,

Somewhere, out there in the world’s ether, or maybe in the blue skies of heaven, you are floating peacefully, waiting to be born. I know you might think you’d be better off choosing another family but I can assure you, you are meant for us.

Just so you know, your Dad is a total dag but don’t worry because I am really hip and cool! Your Dad will kick a ball with you in the backyard, take you to the park and show you how to play computer games. I will teach you how to cook and sew and tell you and your Dad you shouldn’t play computer games so much. We will have a house full of love, laughter and joy.

You will have a grandmother, grandfather and two uncles who will love you very much. They will take you fishing and teach you rugby, cricket and soccer. And grandma will teach you knitting, proper sewing, crocheting and gardening. You will learn to build lots of things, be gentle in nature and how to gut a fish! If your grandfather is anything like his Mother, he will try to teach you drinking games when you’re older. Your father will probably let you participate in this - I am still undecided!

As a family, we will have grand adventures. We will go to the beach and mountains for holidays and do little day trips just to go out and see new things. We will take you for bush walks so you can learn about the world around you. We will take you to cuddle koala because I’m pretty sure it’s against the law not to have a photo of your child cuddling a koala. We will teach you how to walk, ride and drive a car so you can have your own adventures.

Between you and me, you would be the luckiest baby alive to come to our family. I whisper this to you because I don’t want the other babies to hear and steal your place. If you’re holding hands with a kindred spirit then bring them along too! We’d  be happy to make room for two of you but three might be a bit much. And we will be happy if it’s just you.

I promise that we will love you unconditionally. We will teach you values and the meaning of right and wrong so you grow up to be an amazing, confident and capable adult who will do great things. I will kiss you and hug you all the time and tell you how special you are to me. I will probably embarrass you in front of your friends, but when you’re older, you’ll appreciate the fact you knew you were loved.

We are waiting for you with baited breath. Please, get here when you can!

Love Mum

Image by Simon Howden
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