Friday, 22 March 2013

Finding my excitement

I had to see my physio this morning and she asked when we were going to start trying for another baby. I told her we already were and she said “Oh, how exciting.” I replied “Well, between the pills, blood tests and organisation it’s more tiring than exciting.” But it got me thinking – maybe my lack of excitement is a big part of my problem.

When I think about the prospect and process of falling pregnant again, there’s not a single part of me that feels excited. I guess the excitement I felt the first time around was extinguished by the miscarriage. I feel like it left a wasteland where excitement cannot grow or survive. But, I also realise I am responsible for letting that wasteland take over.

In this moment, I am a hypocrite. I am reminded of all the times I’ve told friends how exciting it is for them to start new journeys like jobs, facing challenges or rebuilding relationships because it brings new opportunities for them. Normally, I say these things when they are caught in the struggle of what they’re going through – I give them the unaffected, outsider’s perspective which my physio gave me today. Now, I need to say all of that to myself.

As I sit in the middle of my 2 week wait, I am obsessing about when to take a pregnancy test, and dreading my period turning up. Instead of worrying this might not be my month, I could feel excited about the prospect it might be.  The thought of having a baby is exciting – and scary, and nerve racking and unbelievable. I think I forgot how excited I was when I found out I was pregnant because it only lasted the few days between confirming the pregnancy  and my first trip to hospital. Those 5 hours killed the excitement and it was replaced with fear, worry and anxiety.  So there you go – my pregnancy excitement died on Sunday, 16 September 2012. What a horrifically sad thought. 

When I think about it, there are so many things in life that I have dreaded, but been excited about at the same time – the first time I moved overseas, starting uni as a mature age student, buying my first flat, the first date with my husband, getting married, moving into our house and the list goes on. Of course the word “dread” is really a replacement of “fear.” And normally, this mixed feeling of dread and excitement (lets call it dreaditement) is normally attached to the big moments in our life. You can’t get much bigger than having a baby!

The funny thing is, when I think of all those situations, there’s not a single one that didn’t turn out fabulously. I’m sure there are other moments that didn’t turn out well but for the life of me I can’t think of any. Wow, I think that’s the first time I’ve tried to think of something negative and nothing comes to mind. Maybe I blocked them out, or maybe my mind just remembers the good stuff!

I am excited about falling pregnant, having morning sickness, getting fat, not sleeping, having an excuse to eat chocolate and having a baby in my arms. I’m also scared by those things. But if I flip it around, dreaditement can become excitead. I think I prefer excitead – I’d rather have a lot of excitement and a little bit of dread rather than the other way around. So my friends, our challenge is next time we feel scared, but excited about something, we have to tell ourselves to feel excitead so we put the focus on the emotion we most want to feel. I’m going to start that now – good luck!

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