Merging my ying and yang

A few days ago, I posted about my internal battling twins. I thought they were trying to beat each other up right in their bid to prove themselves right. However, at the counsellors today, I realised they were both trying to achieve the same outcome – just in different ways.

Ok, so I am happy to put my hand on my heart and say I love my counsellor. I am so very lucky that I just happened to have found her and really, it was just pure luck. I googled counsellors near me and her practice came up. I simply picked her out of the line up of counsellors in her practice based on her experience, areas of expertise and her looks. There was just something about her that appealed to me and it looks like I made a great decision!

So, today’s visit was all around addressing my anxiety. I told her about my warring twins and she asked me to put my palms out and imagine good twin on one and bad twin on the other. She asked me to ask good twin why he behaved the way he does – To make you happy and achieve  your dream was the answer. She then asked me to ask bad twin the same – this was the conversation:

Why does bad twin behave like that? – to protect me.

Why does he need to protect you? – so I don’t get hurt.

Why would you get hurt? – I might miscarry again.

What happens if you have a miscarriage again? – I don’t have the baby.

What happens if you don’t have a baby? – I won’t be happy.

What happens if you’re not happy? – I won’t achieve my dream.

So as it turns out, both twins had the ultimate goal of me achieving my dream – good twin wanted to get straight to it, but bad twin wanted to take the longer route. I had to tell bad twin that I appreciated his efforts in trying to protect me, but I preferred good twin’s method. It helped me a lot to finally realise these two were actually united in their quest and I could end the war.

I came out of the session feeling exhausted. Anxiety is such a sneaky emotion because it presents itself in so many different ways that sometimes, you can’t even identify it as the emotion you’re feeling. Luckily, on this occasion I could, and this questioning method was fantastic for me to get down to the true crux of the problem.  

Now I have my ying and yang back together again I’m feeling more whole. I’m slowly coaxing good twin out of the corner he’s been cowering in telling him it’s ok to be excited and hopeful. That’s the path we’re going down now so it’s time to come out of the shadows and embrace it.