Embracing the illogical

One of the first things I did when I started this journey, was to go out and get myself a lucky charm – something I could keep near the bed and rub for good luck whenever I needed. I got a pair of booties! I was reminded of this today when after reading a friend’s post on the day her baby would have been born, I decided she needed a good luck charm too. This took me back to my bootie post – the 2^nd blog post I’d done.

I bought those booties nearly a year ago. I remember standing in the super market. I remember holding them and trying to decide between the booties and a pair of sneakers. I remember the colour of the sneakers. I remember coming home and painstakingly taking the tag off so I wouldn’t pull the fine material. I remember holding them in my hands like they were the most delicate things on the earth and could fall apart at any moment.

In that post, I said “Seems illogical I know, but I’ve accepted the fact that this baby process is going to produce some totally illogical and irrational moments and decisions.” I clearly had no idea how immense those illogical and irrational moments and decisions would be. The miscarriage seems to be the most illogical event of my life and I know it’s triggered irrational moments. Mind you, I make no apologies for those moments. They were moments where I was doing my very best just to survive. And there is no possible way you can survive without irrational moments and decisions.

However, I do believe that those irrational moments and decisions have come to serve me in some way. Somehow, they’ve sharpened my intuition. They’ve made me pay more attention to my gut instincts. They’ve made me be more sure of the decisions I’ve made. They’ve made me not care about other’s opinions of the decisions I’ve made. They’ve given me a clearer direction on the road I should be on. They’ve triggered ideas of places to search for answers. Somehow, they’ve put me on the path I need to be on.

While I feel confident I’m on the right path, I am still looking for ways to overcome the speed bumps. On the weekend, I suddenly realised that my doctor will be on leave when my next cycle is due to start. Of course I’m hoping I’m pregnant, but if not, I want to know what the next course of action is. A friend who fell pregnant on clomid told me not to hang about on 50mg for too long if it wasn’t working so I want to see if I should increase my dosage. I also want to ask him if using the lubricant lessens our chance of falling pregnant, and if so, should we just move onto intrauterine insemination (IUI). Basically, I’m just after all the information so I can get so I can make an informed decision about where we go next. I like to be prepared so I’m back to see him tomorrow.

In the meantime, my booties are still on the bed head. Every now and then I rub them three times and say “Sticky baby, sticky baby, sticky baby.” That’s possibly my OCD coming out but I can’t do it any less, or any more than three times! I’ve now realised that over the past year, this has become somewhat of a ritual. I’m not superstitious enough to believe these booties have the magical power to bring me a baby. But, everytime I rub them, and I see those little duck faces, I can’t help but smile and picture them on my little person’s feet. That thought fills me with the love and the hope I need to keep going.  

Image by digitalart

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