The return of hope

Today, I feel hopeful. I don’t think I’ve felt hopeful in a long time. It feels strange yet familiar. Like a friend you haven’t seen for a long time, and your conversation starts off a bit awkwardly, until it’s like you were never apart. I’m so grateful to see you again old friend. It’s been far too long!

This hope has been sparked by the events of yesterday afternoon. It played out as follows:

I called for the results of my blood test and was told I would ovulate tomorrow (which is today). I was shocked because I hadnt’ got any of the normal symptoms I get pre-ovulation, and I was convinced I would ovulate later given my last 2 cycles have been 32 days. I started questioning if the doctor had read the tests right, if they had tested the right blood sample, if they knew what they were talking about?  I realised I had to trust this doctor and what he was telling me. I know 2 women who have had children thanks to this guy so he must know what he’s talking about.   

What I didn’t have faith in was my ovulation signs. I hadn’t had any of the normal mucus I get around ovulation so thought that was a bad sign. I resorted to Dr Google and found out that clomid can dry your mucus up. I was never told that! It doesn’t mean you’re not producing the mucus, it just means you’re not producing enough to be visible. There wasn’t anything I could do about that.

I got home and still couldn’t believe it. I checked my mucus and it was there – in its most fertile state. I did an ovulation test which I normally don’t bother with but thought I’d live on the edge! There was no doubting it – there were 2 marks the same size and colour. The LH surge was happening. My girly bits were ready. The blood didn’t lie. The doctor was right. I needed to get over myself. My husband needed to get on myself! Once more into the breach dear friends – once more!

As it turns out, despite all my fears and worries, everything seems to be working just fine. I think I’ve been tense this past few weeks from worrying I’d have side effects with clomid – I didn’t, worrying I wouldn’t ovulate until later – I didn’t, worrying  that the clomid and homeopathic remedies wouldn’t work together – they did. Clearly, I’ve wasted too much time on worries that were totally unfounded.

Now I’ve been proved wrong, I can put that worry aside. I’m glad I can because I think it was blocking the hope from coming in. Christopher Reeve said “Once you choose hope anything’s possible.”  That’s what  I feel today – like things are possible. For the first time since the miscarriage, things seem to be in perfect harmony meaning anything can happen.

Normally, I would give myself a stern talking to and tell myself not to get too excited. Normally, I would be worried that I will get too disappointed if I’m not pregnant. Normally, I would step on hope and ground it into the dirt like a cigarette butt. No wonder it’s stayed along so long. Now, I will just embrace it, tell it how lovely it is to see it again and promise to catch up more regularly in the future.  

Image by Stuart Miles

Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net